Reply of heaviness!
Woah, that’s some heavy stuff. You alright?
Hi. I’m Stacy. I do heavy stuff. :)
It’s just the usual. Been battling with it since I was nine and read every book the local library had on the Holocaust. Or maybe earlier than that, actually, because I remember watching Roots before that and being so terrified that I couldn’t sleep and I conjured up all sorts of terrors for myself, and of course I read The Children’s Bible somewhere around six or seven or eight and I remember the existential dread then too.
And actually I have a very clear memory of a moment when I was five, and we were at a gas station, and my mother had gone in to pay, and I was kicking my feet against my seat and looking at the gas pumps, and there was like an explosion in my brain, a realization that I was me and that I was locked into this human skin and that I could never ever get out. I don’t know precisely how I thought about it then, but in current me terms - it was like the first time I saw the fluorescent light shining on an empty white department store bin. I saw utter and complete meaninglessness and emptiness.
So haha yeah, I’ve been dealing with existential depression since I was like five. It waxes and wanes. Worst it’s ever been was my early 20s, when I worked in retail and fast food. And I didn’t have the time to create.
Creating is how I deal with it. Creating and love. Some days I can be all “Yay the struggle is beautiful and look at what I made out of my pain and look at how it touches other people and helps them with their pain and there is all this meaning and goodness and life is okay!”
Other days, like apparently today, too much reality gets in and love isn’t enough, but I’ve found…there’s always Seth. When nothing else is good enough, when nothing else is an adequate answer to human ignorance and selfishness and blindness and wanton cruelty, there is Seth and his rage and his fire and his beautiful destruction.
As long as I’ve got Seth, I’ll be all right. :)